Between The Right And Wrong


It is not the size of a man but the size of his heart that matters”.  Evander Holyfield

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Right from childhood, people are put on pressure, about being right, doing right and the like. I for one, have always been bombarded with this phrase, from as far as I can remember. The years rolled by and so did the lessons. I can’t call my upbringing conservative”, but it was not “hip Hop”( the current day name for modern) either. My mother has always been strict(still is), more so with me, being a girl child. My school uniform skirt, was tailored well below my knees, hair neatly oiled and braided with ribbons. This phase lasted till I entered my teens and then all hell broke loose. I began to speak for myself, about my likes and dislikes, which did not go down too well with her.  Somehow, it just did not fit right.

From then on, situations about being right and doing right kept surfacing in my life. I joined a hostel during my graduation days at college, which housed several other girls from various backgrounds(obviously). In the first year of college, I was accommodated in the prestigious NRI wing, which was a very trying period for me, initially. The girls there were very outgoing, they would jump the gates during late nights and go to discos and the like. I would be all alone.  Soon, they had labeled me as “pavam”, which in Tamil language meant “poor thing”. I remained stuck to my values and rules ingrained in me. I was fine by my decision and never regretted it, while they thought that I was missing out on life and fun.

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When I met them recently after about 22 years, they could not recognize me! Now, this was not just about the size, but also personality. Gone was all the zing, from their lives. I don’t wonder why, as it’s obvious. None of them had got married to their heartthrobs, as they liked to call them, back then. They had changed so much! I had changed too. I was more confident, spoke for myself, a psychologist by profession and a freelance writer by passion. So, who was the misfit here? Who did not fit right? Though I must frankly admit that I did feel kind of left out, but never a misfit. Somehow, it just did not fit right!

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My cousins! They all bond so well together, back then and even now. I am the odd one out. My early childhood was spent, away from the paternal cousins as we met occasionally, so there was no bonding back then. It was when we began meeting often, in the recent years, that I realized that the gaps could not be filled. They drink, smoke and lead a fast life. In fact, for one of my male cousins 40th birthday, his wife had roped in a pole dancer from abroad to perform at the bash. They invited my family, but we did not go. Were they surprised? Of course not! I can’t accept these qualities in my life. I don’t call myself “traditional” but they are not “happening” either. The gap has widened even more now. I am spiritual and became one quite early on(as they say), in my life, due to the deaths of my brother and father. They had begun to ridicule me about this. I was asked to open an ashram(spiritual home) and become a maa( universal mother) and what not. I simply distanced myself from them. Now, they want me back. I did get back with them, but I still feel left out. Somehow it just did not fit right!

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There are cases when you end up in situations where you are not dressed accordingly, and all eyes are upon you with silent tongues wagging. If you don’t have a huge wardrobe with lots of variety, it’s okay, just be yourself. There would be various situations where you would feel left out. Remember, you are not here to please or impress others. If you can carry your image, diction and frictions smoothly, you have arrived. If it does not fit right, it’s still fine, if not great.

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As for me, I am what I am and quite happy with how my life has turned out to be. I don’t need to comply every time. I am neither this nor that. Take me as I am and you will never regret. 

The right size
Often passes me by
As one size does not fit all
Some are big, while some small
Your perceptions make you
 To them, be true

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